D.

Cheesy story coming your way..... Changing the speed to 2x, On 2019, I had a crush on him, I made a wild move by confessing my feelings to him and not expecting anything in return. 2 years later, he confessed back his feelings on a random evening while I was in Kedah enjoying life and didn’t look forward to getting into a relationship again pun. I just got out of a 5 years relationship when he approached and no, I didn't expect that this guy I confessed my feelings to would be my husband today but here we are.  It's beautiful how I remember the first time we met, he was in denim jacket he just bought the night before and I wore a blazer I bought a week ago tryna impress each other for first impressions and somehow we nailed it. Then, there was a second date and another date, dates after dates, dating and dated, date and dates, 6 months passed.  I told him I didn't wanna get married, I was ego, I was firm with my decisions. "We can date but I never wanted to marry anyon...

I've always been excited to write a new entry, Because I value capturing my deep thoughts and feelings so much. Hence, this one, this entry, Comes from the bottom of my heart. - To forgive is to let go. Forgiving requires a lot of strength and no heavy dumbbell could ever top the strength it takes. Why to forgive is to let go? Just because you forgive does not mean it will be erased from your memory. Sometimes it builds up and becomes trauma,  Sometimes it lingers, Sometimes it resurfaces and left you feeling miserable. I'm talking about the kind of pain that doesn't offer even an inch of understanding, Still you build the courage to forgive and to survive the pain. Especially when you are trying to move on and focus on your life, some days are not always a rainbow.  But it's a survival traits you need to have - to hurt deeply, but still choose to forgive. - Until these days, some things still crosses my mind, I will instantly break down and I will be in the state of em...

Walaupun boleh diputarkan waktu, Untuk satu detik yang sudah berlalu, Berilah apa pun yang termampu, Tetap takkan aku mahu. Jujur, aku terdiam kejung. Masih terngiang-ngiang setiap kilasan, Akan perasaan amarah kamu yang terumpung, Walau seribu tahun pun masih terkesan. Apa kamu lupa? Yang aku masih disini. Mencari asbab untuk disapa, Mencari setia yang lama tersepi. Aku berganjak, mengundur diri, Luka ini aku tiup, aku baluti, Dengan sayu dan segunung simpati, Merayu dan berharap esok tiada lagi, Perit ini yang terpaksa aku lalui. Masih, D.

Tahun yang mencabar tetapi mengajar.  Tahun yang banyak sangat memories tercipta sampaikan aku tak mampu recall satu persatu. Manis dan pahit, dua dua aku hadap dengan being cool, calm and collected.  Ceh. Now playing, That's so true by Gracie Abrams. My fav and maybe will be my top songs next year. P/S; take everything you read with a pinch of salt. So here's a thing, . . . Rezeki,  Mencurah-curah alhamdulilah, walaupun sikit tapi terasa cukup, walaupun susah tetapi dipermudahkan dan walaupun impossible tetapi didekatkan.  I will always find a way to be thankful for what I have even the smallest things.  Maybe that's another way to be murah rezeki. In terms of doa, aku selalu titipkan,  "ya Allah ya tuhanku yang maha pemurah lagi maha pengasih, kurniakanlah aku rezeki yang halal, rezeki yang berkat, rezeki yang melimpah ruah, rezeki yang tak disangka-sangka, rezeki yang membolehkan aku senang beribadah kepadamu dan rezeki yang boleh membawa aku ke syurgamu...

Apa khabar kamu disana? Aku kembali dengan secebis berita, Bukan berita yang penuh bahana, Tetapi lebih kepada tentang kita.  Dalam kegelapan sayu aku menjadi bisu, Hatiku lemah, lidahku kelu, Mencari jawapan kepada soalanmu, Yang buatkan aku terdiam kaku. Dalam nukilan ini satu aku ingin sampaikan, Mungkin esok tidak lagi kesampaian, Jadi aku harap kamu baca dan fikirkan, Supaya terjawab segala kerisauan. Hanya satu aku mahu tanyakan, Apa betul perasaan kamu seperti di awangan? Hingga susah untuk kamu luahkan, Atau hanya untuk mengisi kekosongan. Kalau kamu hanya perlukan aku untuk melupakan, Aku rela bermati-matian jauh, Supaya aku kamu tinggalkan, Daripada aku kau lemparkan sisa sauh. Perasaan aku tidak akan berubah, Malah sudah sampai ke langit, Aku tidak mungkin boleh lagi bertabah, Menunggu masa apatah lagi matahari untuk terbit. Andai aku hanya bermimpi, Jangan biarkan aku terjaga dari lena, Mungkin semua ini sudah terbuku isi, Yang kita itulah isi penghujungnya.  Kalau...

A poem by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe; The Wanderer's Night Song II . THOU who comest from on high, Who all woes and sorrows stillest, Who, for twofold misery, Hearts with twofold balsam fillest, Would this constant strife would cease! What are pain and rapture now? Blissful Peace, To my bosom hasten thou! . We all have that strong desire to seek peace for our mind and to be release from the constant emotional battles of life.  We seek god when the world is against us and ask god to take all the pain away instantly so that we won't be feeling those feelings anymore. I too, often find myself in that position where I want to move on without dealing with my pain, only to realize later that it doesn’t go away, it just builds up. So, whatever pain you are feeling right now, let them. Let it hurt. You will get through it and over time when you find yourself in the same situation, it will hurt less. It won't consume you like it did the first time. The poem teaches us that life'...

"Sometimes love isn't something you fight for; but something you let go of" Heavy on this yet I chose to let go. I can't love hard when I am in the dark, When I am exhausted with my own expectations of someone. But, this is the price that I pay for love. I'm no longer interested in building a man. I deserve somebody who actually cares, Not just by words but willingly proving it through actions. I know for a fact we women has been living our life showing a man how to love. That shit is exhausting, right? Well I am another exhibit that gave up on this program. Gave up and giving up. Matter of fact, I'm not going to find someone that is better than you, Instead, someone that is better for me. I know I don't deserve to wait for someone to change, I know I don't deserve to be left hanging, I know I don't deserve to be the second choice of everything. I never gave up when it gets hard, I give up when it becomes draining enough to let go. Because this isn...