Sincerely, FTBOMH.

I've always been excited to write a new entry,

Because I value capturing my deep thoughts and feelings so much.

Hence, this one, this entry,

Comes from the bottom of my heart.

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To forgive is to let go.

Forgiving requires a lot of strength and no heavy dumbbell could ever top the strength it takes.

Why to forgive is to let go?

Just because you forgive does not mean it will be erased from your memory.

Sometimes it builds up and becomes trauma, 

Sometimes it lingers,

Sometimes it resurfaces and left you feeling miserable.

I'm talking about the kind of pain that doesn't offer even an inch of understanding,

Still you build the courage to forgive and to survive the pain.

Especially when you are trying to move on and focus on your life, some days are not always a rainbow. 

But it's a survival traits you need to have - to hurt deeply, but still choose to forgive.

-

Until these days, some things still crosses my mind, I will instantly break down and I will be in the state of emotional vulnerability. I'd forever ask to be rescued from these feelings because when it happens it left a sharp tingling feelings in my stomach but you gotta keep fighting it as if it was my fight to begin with?

I'd rather run 20k everyday than tell that person they are an asshole for making me feeling like this.

Even if I tell them that, and then what? 

If I had lived by the validation of others, I don't think I'd be this strong and even have the will to live my life to the fullest.

Maybe I need to feel miserable to get out of this bubble.

You don't run away from those feelings, instead you be present.

I couldn't do it and I still can't.

I don't know how to.

But one thing I know is this isn't strength but a freaking survival.

To survive is to take control over what hurts you and move forward.

It's not easy especially if you are suffering from overthinking like me,

But at the end of the day I just want to wistfully take a sip of my drink while watching sunset on the beach without having to carry the weight of not forgiving someone with me for the rest of my life.

Sometimes the wound didn't get to heal yet but you offer forgiveness just to surrender.

To surrender = to let go things you can't control.

By then you can finally breathe even when you're still swimming through the deepest ocean. 

cehhhhh.

-

I used to worry what others think about me, what others feel about me and what others will say about me.

All of my life, when I return the same energy others gave me, I would be called the villain, the bad guy and the worst people ever.

Which scientifically, is an example of emotional projection, which I know you've heard about this or maybe it happened to you without you notice, and psychologically, reflects how someone demonizes you when you set boundaries.

Until years ago, I finally hold on to new perspectives and stop listening to this craps and just focus on myself and people who chooses me.

I did hold on to it and I still am now.

You can talk bad about me and yet I would still talk to you nicely.

I know these people were talking, but I chose to shut up and let it go, to forgive and to move forward.

I won't back down by insults and I definitely won't be held back by insecurities.

'Others' is the last thing I will ever care about now.

There's just too many occasions where the pain revisit and I thought to myself I would never forgive this person, mati hidup balik, takkan maafkan, but then I realised I should make peace with myself and this person. I should not have to live being sad over the bad things this person did which was totally beyond my control.

I knew that I don't want to feel this way, and those times I was sad, I should have chosen to be happy instead. 

Also, thinking back, the craps they were talking about was as trivial as it sounds, really.

But they are living proof that you're doing an impact, they can't help but to talk.

Cos misery loves company.

-

Forgiving is more about the person who was hurt rather than the person who caused it.

It is more about accepting the damage, the pain and the feelings even when the past revisits it will only be a passing shadow and not a chain to bind you. 

Which is an extremely hard thing to do but necessary for emotional control and your sanity.

When you forgive someone you won't ever hold grudges but instead you will just wish them to do well in life. 

That's how you know you have truly forgiven them.

With all that I am,

D.