What/Who was your hardest goodbye?

Mine was you. 

.

.

.

Dear S,

       Life is great, all praises to Allah. I hope you are living your best life and achieving your dreams. As I was solitude in my dark room, I find myself unable to shake the emotions that have been floating in my mind of our shared past. It has been 6 years since we talked and I never thought we would ever end our friendship for good. God had a better plan for us that's for sure. I wish I could turn back the time and treat you the way you deserved. Despite what happened between us there is not a single second that I ever regret of knowing you. In fact, I was the one who left because I wanted you to be happy and seeing you happy made me happier. Many people had come between us and to my surprise, things were getting bad to worse. Thus, your feelings and happiness were above all else.

To be honest, I was disappointed, and I thought I deserved an apology. But, thinking again, your words and behaviour served as closure. Until today, your words still leave scars but I came to understand that you had your reasons. Hence, I stopped putting hopes and suddenly there was no one after you. Who knew that someone I talked to, rode a bike with, badminton sessions, after-school hangouts, sleepovers, jogging partner and frequented mamaks could leave such an impact on my life when you left. Technically, I left, but you get the memo. You were a big part of me and after 3 years I finally filled up the emptiness. It wasn't easy it never was. Sometimes, tears found their way in the middle of the night, making me wonder about everything. I reminisced all the fun we had together and every time people asks me about you it hurts so bad to even talk. We've had each others back for years and we definitely agree to disagree on so many things, I know what we had back then was something that I won't find elsewhere. 

It broke my heart knowing that I could not have done anything to change what I did. Part of me still misses you that I would do anything to change it if I ever got the chance and I don't know why. Perhaps it was because I had been carrying the burden and I could not forgive myself or stop blaming myself for what happened. As much as I treasured our friendship, I needed some closure too. The void you left was noticeable and recovering from it was hard. I managed to forgive but maybe I tend to remember every single details. If you thought 6 years ago was hard for you, it was harder for me. The weight of unspoken words really clouded each of my days. I didn't stop hoping within those 3 years but I knew forcing things to happen will lead to issues. Maybe I tried but I didn't try harder. So I accepted it and moved on. There are things better left unsaid.

It wasn't the best years of my life but I managed to survive, thanks to you. 

If ever a train coming from the future were heading back to our high school days, I would not be among the passengers. I will stay and watch those days from a distance along with the persistent feeling of longing and regret that I won't be able to get rid of. 

.

.

.

Life I have now is my priority. Each day brings me joy and I discovered that I actually liked coffee. I also have learned to appreciate small things and I am grateful for my small circle of friends. I finally redha-ed and allowed you to fade from my thoughts after 3 years. I had grown to see that the beauty of our friendship was not only how long it lasted, but also how much impact it had on shaping the person I am today. I refused to socialize and make friends and I'm no longer the friendly friend I once was. I am happier and healthier. My mind is free and when I told our story to my now boyfriend, I no longer shed any tears. He knows about you and he knows you as my hardest goodbye. 

Yes, it was the hardest goodbye and until this day, I still have a soft spot for you. 

I admit my own faults and that decision to part ways has clearly left its mark. I appreciate the moments we had and the friendship I once cherished. I know god had a better plan for us and it was just part of adulting. I had released any resentment and I don't hold any grudges. I wish nothing but the best for you. I hope you take a really good care of yourself and know that it is okay to take a break. You don't have to rush in anything and know that you are doing great each day. You are guided and you will get everything you want some day. May your path be lined with joy and happiness.

Semoga tuhan memakbulkan segala perkara yang kau minta, sekecil-kecil perkara. Tatkala kau bersedih, semoga tuhan gantikan kesedihan itu dengan perkara yang lebih baik. 

.

.

.

Adulting is realizing how easily people come and go. However, you, 

You left but stays in my heart.

.

.

.

"Closure is a process, not an event" 

I had come to realize that it was better this way. No questions, no answers and no closure.

I apologized for my existence and for every moment I couldn't be what you wanted me to.

Maybe, 

Just maybe,

In another universe, 

We'd still be friends. 

.

.

.

You're happy and that's all I ever wanted.

Thank you for being a part of my story. 

Love,

D.