Adulthood is Adulting.

"Being an adult means taking responsibility for your actions and decisions" 

Embarking on the journey of adulthood is like swimming an uncharted sea, where the waters of responsibility and the waves of independence crosses. But why the hell should I embrace adulthood? Maybe because, for the first time in my life, I get to decide of what to do and who I want to become. I have learned so much and I am still learning to this day. One aspect of it is learning that adulting involves compromising between wants and needs and discovering that life is a journey for me to navigate. It feels great when you have the ability to make your own decisions and be responsible for your own actions. We also get to have our own debit card to swipe, right?

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Why am I even writing this? At 4am? I wouldn't be able to answer that too. 

However, in the past months, I have been so eager to write my experience of getting a minor surgery all alone. 

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For a solid 2 years I did nothing but letting it glued and grow and by the time I realized, it was too late (saje je exaggerate). I handled everything with courage even though it was hard to take it in at first but I did it anyway. I went to a nearby clinic where I thought it would take longer than I anticipated but turns out everything was quick and smooth. I was referred by a Dr to see a specialist and I went to Columbia, Setapak for consultation. It was a gloomy day and I had no idea this was going to be an adventure I was never prepared for.

I looked at my phone and it was 7 on dots.

I was called into the room and remind you, I wasn't myself that day. I hadn't eaten yet and experiencing sleep deprivation trying to balance studying and other commitments (read: my boyfriend). I was anxious thinking about what could be wrong and what kind of punishment I might be facing this time. Maybe this was because I melawan cakap my mom a lot or I rembat my sister's clothes. First appointment was at 730 am in October 2022. I was getting admitted when the Dr said I had a lump called fibroadenoma with a roughly a size of 50 cents inside me. Specifically, it was about 8mm and sits entirely in one block, uttered the Dr. The texture was solid, no movements, no pain, no bleeding, no fat around it, or scientifically speaking, no epithelial hyperplasia or malignancy seen. I was both momentarily mindblown when the Dr explained this much of science terms to me and fascinated with his tiny nostrils because once again, I wasn't in my best state. Who knew a scientific terms could leave me utterly flabbergasted??

9:15 a.m.

"You will have to undergo a FNA biopsy so that we could find out whether the lump is cancerous or not"

"Is it painful, doc?" I tried to negotiate.

"Sakit sikit je alah" 

"Oh, okay" 

"The result will be out within 2 weeks so I will arrange another appointment lah with you, we will be discussing the lab report"

and next thing I know my name was called by the nurse.

Went inside the room and waited.

10:30 a.m.

"Lama gakla kena sidai" I held forth.

45 minutes passed 10 a.m. 

and......eventually,

Dr came. 

"Is this your first time?"

"Yes, Dr"

"Can you show me the lump?"

"Sure" I lifted up my hospital gown and pointed to my left breast. 

and....yes, you read that right.

"I will check the left side first and will be using this lubricant for the whole process ok?"

She was so nice to brief me with the whole procedures and I only responded with "okay". 

You call it biopsy I call it learning experience. Inspired by Mark Watney, first person to colonized mars.

Oh! I forgot to tell that this process includes ultrasound to locate the exact location of the lump and Dr will be recording the size and amount of the lump before she could even started doing the biopsy.

"I will be using a lot of lubricant you hold this tissue if it ever slides down your shirt" she reminded me again.

She started to push the tool onto my skin, really hard.

"Wei kuatnya" aku berhuhu. 

But, honestly I kinda enjoyed it. Haha. Sejukkkk!

Here comes the next procedure,

"Ok we shall begin, it will hurt like semut bites but if you ever feel any serious pain, you tell me ok?"

"Okay, Dr" the rest of the process was me moving around as she instructed me to.

It wasn't semut bites Dr. Instead, it felt like I got electric shock. 

She had to tebuk me a little in order for her to insert that long tiny needle at this point my heart was beating so fast and all I could think of was my dosa-dosa to my mom. 

Ha sekarang baru nak menyesal.

It was freezing inside but I managed to sit still and tadah my body the whole process of FNA biopsy by the consultant pathologist. Btw, she is an indian with a very thick hair and a small petite body. She was so very much nice and gentle or at least she tried to. To those whose wondering what on earth is FNA biopsy, it was a process of taking a cell samples by inserting a very tiny fine needle inside my lump to determine if it was cancerous or not. I was fortunate so the lab report says it was not. The Dr added that the lump had the potential to remove itself and vanish or at least shrinks a little but lack of uncertainty he advised me to remove it IF it ever making me feel uncomfortable. Well, it did felt uncomfortable knowing it was there but that wasn't the reason why I wanted to remove it. The actual reason was, I wanted it to be gone and not just shrunk. Since I had the chance I might as well just grab it, right? 

Grabbed my phone and I texted family group chat informing the procedure. 

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A fortnight had passed, I had to come back for a follow up with the Dr where he gave me a choice whether I want to remove it or not. Being an adult is well, exhausting and challenging, I know, but here was the best part of 2022 unfolded, where I discovered that the decision to doing this whole thing rested solely on my shoulders. In this journey, I embraced the empowerment of deciding what truly is the best for myself. Ceh. I informed my parents that I'm going to remove it and I want to utilize my insurance benefits before leaving university. They were supportive about it and encouraged me to go through it, even though, in fact, I was going to do it anyway. When you make decisions for yourself, it's like picking the colours for your painting. It's like having the power and you just don't know yet how much it holds until you unfold them yourself. I wasn't given much time to think about it pun. So, on a crisp evening, without hesitation, trusting my instincts and rolling up my sleeves, I looked at him and I gave my answer. 

We picked a good sensible date to proceed with the minor surgery. Now, this is the part where it gets worse, and don't say I didn't warn you (masih exaggerating).

Part 2, bila rajin!